Yesterday ended up being a pretty fabulouso day. I saw a movie, shopped, got a chair massage (amazing!), got new glasses, and had dinner and cheesecake with great friends. All-in-all a perfect day. You know, other than we were supposed to have a baby by now!
I really can be patient. But as I walked the mall for hours yesterday some things sat in. So here goes my list-o-random-thoughts:
-I have dealt with not getting pregnant. Really, it's not something I think about or pine for very often, if at all. Except for these last few weeks. While I know that when you're pregnant you still can't plan when the baby is coming, there are all these cues along the way that help you prepare. Maybe you've been having small contractions, or you know when you are leaking fluids, or you can tell when things have shifted. It is REALLY hard to not know these things. Really hard.
-There's also the whole doctor experience. One of the things we've talked with T about is how unimpressed everyone in this triad is with N's doctor. He's told her something different every week. That's rough for anyone, but she is so young and doing so much of this on her own. Imagine being a teenager, ready to move on with life, and having your doctor tell you one week it will be any day, then another week that it will be until your due date, then another week telling you he's EXTENDING your due date! How frustrating. I also feel like N doesn't have the courage to be her own advocate. If I were at her stage and the doctor informed me he wasn't going to induce like we'd planned, I would have A LOT of questions. I would have asked for some suggestions on how to induce labor naturally. I would have asked about procedures he could do to help the situation along. I would have asked how the increasing size of the baby would affect my chances for labor versus c-section. She's a teenager, I imagine she probably takes him at his word and may not be standing up for herself. And I'm not sure she has another advocate at these appointments with her. That's another thing that I am missing out on with pregnancy...just being in the know.
-I didn't think it would be hard to come back to work, but here I am having a terrible time concentrating. I mean I was technically "switched off" for 24 hours but, Dude, I really switched off. I'd deleted a lot of e-mails, put up my away messages, sent on my responsibility lists, etc. It's hard to be here, not knowing how many more days I have or what kind of projects I can get involved with!
-While I would love Colt to come any minute, it would be extra special if he came on Wednesday, 12/10. On that day 10 long years ago another special little boy was born. At that time, his mom and I were N's age. I remember looking at him wondering if I would get to watch him grow up, thinking how much I loved him and I wasn't even his mother. I am incredibly fortunate to have Cameron and his mom STILL in my life...and even at 10 years old he smothers me in hugs every time he sees me. It would be an honor for my son to share his birthday, for us to have that bond.
-Speaking of which, it's been strange to try and talk to Cameron's mom about this whole situation. She has been my best friend for so long, and I love her dearly. I know she's excited for us and for all we've been through to come full circle. But it's hard for me to talk about how brave we think N is for her decision, how tough it is to be a teenager and go through this, about how N wants a better life for her child. I'm always afraid Cameron's mom will get defensive, or think I'm judging her decision 10 years ago. Which I'm not! I love her and Cameron and glad everything worked out. At the same time, I'm now in a position to benefit from the decision of adoption, I'm so passionate about it....it's been tough. I don't know how to explain it. I don't even know if she reads this blog, but I hope she knows that I'm blessed to have such a long-standing friendship and I love Cameron like my own. And I'm glad she chose to raise him. At the same time, I'm proud of N's very mature decision to make an adoption plan. Two different people, two different situations. I also think that my thoughts of adoption are very different as a 27-year-old married person than they were as a 17-year-old high schooler watching my best friend go through teenage pregnancy. It's just been hard for me to talk about it with her, I just love them so much.
-One good thing about all this waiting is that I've had a lot of time to get stuff done: eyebrows waxed, new glasses, laundry, Christmas decorating, shopping, etc. Stuff I might not have time to do after he's here. If I can scrounge up the $$ I may even go get a haircut this weekend! If not...well, I'd like to grow it long enough for a ponytail.
So that's all I know for now. Hopefully we have a low-key weekend (unless there's a phone call!!) and can catch up on rest.
Patiently waiting...
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5 comments:
Ooo, I'm so anxious for you too! (Does that help?! :o) I don't know what it's going to be like in those final days before labor for myself, but I will say that you have almost all the same anxiety I had 2 weeks ago before my sister delivered baby B. Every day we'd wake up thinking "this is the day!". Every night we'd go to sleep thinking we'd get the call that night. At the time it seems unending but looking back it's flat flown by and we now have a two week old cutie pie in our family. I know the waiting beyond sucketh right now, but I admire your ability to stay busy and help the time pass. And in a few short days you're going to have a whole new reason that you can't sit still. xoxo
I am anxiously awaiting the news of Colt...I am sure it's hard for ya'll too, but you'll know before us! :-)
"I'd like to grow it long enough for a ponytail."
Very good idea. I lovingly call them "mommy-tails". An easy way to look as if you have had a full night's rest and didn't JUST roll out of bed, half-dazed.....even though you did!
I agree with your assessment about not being in control. We rushed to Georgia (we live in Dallas) to be there for our first mom's due date (they had said three weeks prior that the baby was alreay 9 lbs and would probably come any day). We got there and waited and waited and waited. It was a full two weeks in a foreign state before our boy was born. Its so hard not being there to ask the doctor the questions that you would ask if it were you going through the process. Hang in there. Any day now!
Best of luck to you....savor every minute...it goes by WAY to fast! (my little one just turned 3 months) :(
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