Thanks for all your kind thoughts, prayers, and encouragement after the last post. Obviously, I'd hit a wall. After talking with John for a while, I realized I was placing unreal expectations on myself. After all we've been through to get where we are, I still wasn't treating myself as a new mom.
Honestly, I felt like because I didn't go through the physical part of giving birth, that I had to be ready to go at a moment's notice, had to keep house while caring for Colt because I wasn't recovering. John was shocked I had felt like that. He was wonderful to say that his only expectation is that we'll be here waiting for him when he gets home, ready to hand over Colt and change some diapers. He even offered to do some laundry. But I love doing laundry, so I declined.
Anyway, I just wonder at what point I'll actually feel like a mom. My love for Colt is beyond measure already, but when will I feel like a MOM? When will I feel bonded?
Today has already been much better. I lounged in my PJ's all morning, didn't worry about a shower until his morning nap. I'm now making bagel bites and will try to rest during his afternoon nap. I feel much better today.
My mom ended up coming over on Friday night and John and I slept a good 8-9 hours of solid sleep which helped a lot. I was just exhausted. I was crying in TGI Friday's. Blubbering...not like me, really.
I also have bad allergies/cold so that probably didn't help either.
Anyway, I admit I typed that post up mostly for a little encouragement. I needed to hear all of that affirmation. It helped a lot.
Had a good weekend. We missed church yesterday because Colt was soundly sleeping nearly 6 hours straight and we didn't want to wake him. He's such a good baby!
Ok, pictures from New Year's to come...he's waking up now and I still need lunch!
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"Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is most faithful." Hebrews 10:23
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9 comments:
It has always taken me a little while to really feel bonded to my kids. I think that the first 6 weeks is the most unfulfilling part of motherhood. You have completely changed your life for these little cute balls of fat and all they do is take. Not even a smile for encouragement. As they get interactive it gets MUCH, MUCH better. I am glad that you are feeling better.
I'm glad you are feeling better too. I think it's normal to feel a little trepidation where the boding thing is concerned. As Jen says above, I even think this happens frequently with biological moms. I think there is such a huge societal expectation that mothers will instantly feel completely bonded with their children the way it happens in the movies or on TV. This is real life though and I think it might just take a little time to get used to everything that's changed.
Hope you're having a great day!
Melba
I agree with Jen. That is the hardest time period for about 6 weeks. And, they can give you no real affirmation until you get that first little smile...and it seems they really see you!
Bonding is different for all moms, even those that birth can seem to take some time.
For me, it was instant with both of mine that I felt like their mom but, everyone is different!
After all we've been through, it's naturally for it to feel like a dream or a really long babysitting job for awhile!
It' all part of feeling entitlement when you adopt....I'll assume your agency spoke on that in your training. You have to give yourself 'permission' to accept that baby 100%, with all entitlement!
I think you need to cut yourself some slack! :-) When you don't get much sleep, you just have to let some things go. It sounds like your hubby is supportive of you and not demanding that you get all of these chores done, plus take care of Colt, etc. I say relax and enjoy the baby! Take advantage of times when he's napping to do some chores or more importantly something for yourself.
evie in arms, i'll keep it short and say ditto to what Jen said :)
Been there, did that. I had such crazy, "June Cleaver-esque" expectations of what motherhood would be like. The house was a mess, our sweet bundle would not settle down and I was worrying about her birth parents. It was not the picture-perfect scene I had imagined. However, you get through it. My best advice for bonding is hold him as much as possible. You cannot spoil a newborn, even though there was a while I thought I had. Also, make sure you and your hubby are doing all the basics for him...changing him, bathing him, feeding him, comforting, etc. So many people want to help out, but those first few weeks are so critical. Our mothers would actually try and hide the fact that Mia was fussing just so they could hold her a little longer, however, we NEEDED to be the ones to comfort her. If people really want to help, let them cook for you, run errands, etc.
Of course, all of this is easier said than done. Nearly four years later and with our third on the way, I still struggle with the same issues. Hang in there!
Coming out of lurking to say "Hang in there".
Being a mom is a huge adjustment, I have 2 boys (one is 3, the other 14 months) and after my first was born it took me awhile to feel like a mom,I distinctly remember some months later, maybe as long as 7 months when I had the stroller packed and him on my hip and had recovered from all the physical and emotional stress of having him that I finally felt like I was "mom". I guess I am trying to say, even as a biological mom it can take some time to get into the role. With my second son I was already there in that mode and it was so different.
As for keeping the house clean and everything ordered, I stay at home with my boys and some days are better than others, as long as you have a happy kid who cares about the house. And one thing you may want to try for bonding is co-sleeping, I know people can look down on that but there is nothing like sleeping next to that sweet baby skin to forge a bond between you too. Sorry for the rambling comment, one thing that doesn't always get easier is the sleep deprivation.
I didn't feel like a mom until I took Karis in for her shots. She was so helpless, and this incredible protective instinct just came over me and that is when it hit me... I felt like a mom. A little weird for immunizations to make you realize what you are, but sometimes that's how it goes....
I found your blog through GRACE when you commented on this very issue.
I, too, felt bonded to my adopted son (now almost 3 months old) soon after the 2 month mark. The first two weeks of his life were such a sleep-deprived blur that I literally can't remember them. The next month was so, so hard. He only smiled at my husband, and not very often. He screamed so much.
Then, just after he was 2 months, something changed. He started grinning at everyone, and making eye contact. I started to feel more confident, and lower my expectations. I started getting out of the house more with him. He started being more predictable, just a little, but enough for life to be just a little less chaotic.
Thanks for sharing! Infertility can make the transition to motherhood harder, or at least more confusing.
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