Wow, I have a few hours to myself. I could crash in bed, catch up on TV, or do what I do best: blog about my week. My feelings about my week. See, blogging is my release.
How do stay-at-home moms do that job? How do they get so much accomplished? At the end of the day my level of accomplishment is a fed baby, albeit screaming. My day ends with a dressed baby sometimes, My day ends with a snuggle in my neck that I worked toward for hours through swinging and bouncing and singing and swaddling. And at the end of the day the dishes aren't done, the laundry isn't done, forget cooking.
I feel so unaccomplished.
Then there's the bonding thing. I'm trying so hard to bond with Colt. I have 9 months to make up for...I'm trying so hard to make sure he recognizes me as his mother, his caretaker.
And I've had this expectation that since I didn't give birth I had no excuse to laze around. I should be running a household on my time off. But I don't have time off. I want to hold and hold and hold Colt and make sure he knows that it's ME that will take care of him.
I am so, so, so, so tired. All I can say is Thank God for good mommies like mine. Who will come over in a heartbeat to take care of Colt during the night so I can sleep on through. And that is me...admitting defeat. Admitting my failure to do this on my own. I need my mommy to come and help and give me a night off.
Colt doesn't even really cry...he's such a good boy. He's happy and generally easy to read. Such a good boy. But it's still exhausting.
Thanks, Mom, for coming in and cleaning up my mess. For giving me a night to sleep. I promise to do better over the next week, I just need to get used to this.
I love my son. I'm just lucky I have lots of family that love him, too, and will help pick up the pieces of my failure to hold it all together.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
13 comments:
If I hear (read) you calling yourself a failure again, I will hunt you down and hug you! Honey, we've all felt that way. And you know what? It's not defeat to ask for help. Ever. Your mom has been waiting for Colton as long as you have and is probably estatic to come help with him. You are HER baby after all. Count your accomplishments and blessings Jessica. It takes more than one person to love and raise a baby, that's why God saw fit for N to entrust Colton to you and John. And Debbie and Bill and Julia and all of your non-blood extended family.
I love you. Colton loves you. You are a great Mom. Especially when you ask for help.
Sweetie, you are NOT a failure. Healing from physical birth or not, you're still learning and adjusting on the fly, and there's NO preparation for that. I can tell you that my sister has cried uncle several times since my nephew was born, and my mom has had to come rescue her before my sister lost her sanity. That's what grandmas are for! I don't know for sure, but I really think it will get easier. Don't worry about your dishes or laundry. Colt will get so big so fast and you only have this day that he will be just like he is. Enjoy every moment, he won't be able to be swaddled forever. *hugs*
I just wrote a long comment and erased it. Mainly because I want you to know these simple words....YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!! If you could do this on your own, you would have to wear a cape and a red S on your chest (and I have had to be reminded many times that Super Woman IS NOT REAL!!) So put away the cape and ask for help. How many times in your life can you tell people to do your dishes and cook your meals????
Being tired and needing help as a new mom is not failure...it's just reality...and a big dose of it!
I am glad that you have your mom right there and able to help. We had no family near by when our little man came along.
You will not get everything done, not for awhile! If I had showered by the time hubs got home, I thought I was doing good!!
After waiting nearly 7 years for it though, there is no part of it that I didn't love but, I was tired, tired, tired, tired.....and so, so, so happy!!! Just like you!
When I first started staying at home, I felt overwhelmed and wondered what I had done. It didn't take long to fall in to it all and everything works out.
As far as bonding, are you wearing him as much as you can? Using a sling? Just holding him all the time it a large part of it and it's so wonderful, isn't it?!!!! There is no 'spoiling' a newborn. The bonding was easy and natural with both of my akids so hopefully it will be for you as well!!
I don't think it takes babies long to know who Mommy is!!!
Now...on a funny note....my 'word verification' is "butless"....never mind only 1 't'........I'd love to be butless after the holidays!! Too much ba-donk in my badonkadonk!!! :o)
Breath........relax.....enjoy!!
The new and newborn stage goes to quickly....and the dirty dishes, house, etc. will always be there!!! Our kids won't!!!
I hope it helps a little to hear that I could have written this myself...oh wait, I did write all of this myself! :) It does get a little bit better, but I just dusted today for the first time since Evie was born, seriously. And we all survived. And really you might not feel bonded to Colt until he starts smiling...I had a hard time with Evie over that if you remember. Many mothers feel the same, regardless of whether they gave birth or adopted. It is hard to accept that you can pour all of your love and energy into one person and only get dirty diapers and crying back. (((Hugs))) the feeling like a failure, unfortunately, is a part of motherhood I think, but what other people said is true...it's just a lie we tell ourselves when we're exhausted and overwhelmed. Yay for grandmas!
First, to repeat what has already been said: You are NOT a failure!!! I think you're doing an amazing job.
Just remember that throughout history - and still in many cultures today - it was normal for mothers to come help their daughters take care of their new babies. It's hard work. It's tiring. It's overwhelming. Our mothers have been through that. And I'm sure your mother delights in helping you. That's what our mothers are for!!! So as you're bonding with Colt, think of it as bonding time with your mother too.
You know that old proverb, "it takes a village to raise a child"? Well I firmly believe that's true. You've got to allow yourself to ask for and need help...that is perfectly normal, and even healthy, both for you and for Colt.
I can understand your feelings about the bonding thing, and I'm sure all of us adoptive parents will go through this to some extent. From the sounds of things though, you and Colt will be just fine where this is concerned. It is better for you to get a little sleep and relax so you can be refreshed and feeling good for your baby.
Also, give yourself a break. You may not have given birth, but you are doing one of the hardest jobs any of us EVER do for the very first time. It's going to take time and adjustment...you are only human! Hang in there!
Melba
Don't be so hard on yourself! I can remember when Noah was a newborn that I felt really unproductive like this, so I started making out my to-do list for the day first thing in the morning in order to check things off. The crazy thing was that the morning's to-do list became the week's to-do list. You just can't accomplish anywhere near what you are used to when there is a newborn in the house. Be patient with yourself!
I'm a new reader and I want to say CONGRATS!! I'm also a fellow adoptive mommy with a 4 month old so I was just where you are. I had total admiration for my friends that birthed their kiddos and then had to go through what we went through with our newborns too. I can't imagine!! I do want to encourage you that IT DOES GET BETTER. Ok...now read again...it DOES get better. Colt will develop more of a schedule. You'll start getting more sleep and so you'll have the energy to clean or do laundry when he's napping during the day. This does not come automatically. I would call the first 3 months of our son's life "survival mode". Give your self a break. Hug your helpers. :) Lastly, enjoy your little man...he'll be a 4 month old in a blink of an eye. ;)
Umm, I've seen the way Colt turns his head and opens his eyes when you or John talks. He KNOWS you are his Mommy. Bonding takes time whether you adopt or not.
And, please do not call yourself a failure. 'Cause that will mean that I'm one too when I call you over to "visit Anna" and I just happen to pass out for 5 hours in the back room.
Hang in there girl. We're just a phone call away.
It took me awhile to feel truely bonded to my children, especially Wyatt. And I DID give birth to them. They were both very much wanted, so it wasn't that. Sometimes it's hard when the new baby needs sooo much, and your exhausted and everything you want goes on the back burner. Don't feel bad. Being a new mom is really hard, adoption or no adoption. Things will fall into place. He'll develop a pattern, and things will get cleaned. You might even get showered. ;) hehe It's all part of the ride. Any woman who says she hasn't felt like you is lieing to herself. Enjoy your time with him as much as you can, the time flies by. And when your exhausted and stressed out, try to find the humor in the situation. Your son doesn't know the dishes aren't done, and he doesn't care. I'm sure your mother LOVES having the chance to help with the baby. It's great for her as well. Taking that time to rest just allows you to be a more in the moment mommy. Your' doing great!
I'm catching up and can't imagine all the adjustments and expectations you have on yourself. I'm so proud of you for sharing here, thank you. You're doing a wonderful job :-) Thank you for giving me a peek of what to expect at end of the rainbow.
I am a new reader, but I am also a fellow adoptive Mommy! I have Ada Grace (Sept 27th, 06) and Ethan (Dec 27th 06). I had a really difficult time feeling like AG's mommy. She was great with bonding, but I had the struggle. I loved being her mommy, but something deep inside just blocked the true feeling away until she was about 2 1/2 months old. Which was good because that was just a couple weeks before little E joined us! Both of our children were 'quick' though we had been in the adoption process for almost 4 years by the time AG came. We received the phone call about her 2 days before she was born and with E we literally had 15 minutes! He was 6 days old and I still do not know the entire reason for him being in this world for 6 days before calling us to ask if we would like to be his forever family! Either way, I think that for some it is difficult and some it is easier. With little E I knew right away I was his Mommy...no questions asked! It will get better, I promise! God bless you, John, and little Colt!
Post a Comment