Back with a vengeance

I've been working on this post for well over a week now, I just haven't had the right words to make it happen.

One of the greatest things about making a decision, moving forward, choosing adoption is that it gives back the hope and excitement and anticipation that infertility robs you of. I am so grateful there are so many ways to build families out there, and I'm so thankful I can be a part of God's plan to create our family.

I feel so fortunate that John and I have always been in a position to choose our family. Even before we knew we'd have problems, we've always been able to choose. Choose when we're ready to have a baby, be in a financial position to take that on, have the love and support of family and friends. We have had so much success and so much adventure in our lives thus far, and we've always been in a position to choose.

I know there are others out there who are not so fortunate. Those who's pregnancies spring up on them by surprise, those not ready or not able to give a child the family they want them to have. My heart breaks for them, really. I can't imagine being in a position where a baby was not right for me. I imagine it's as painful as it is to be ready for a baby and not have one.

I say all that because I know what a unique, amazing position we are in. And I'm thankful and humbled that God has chosen US for this path. I really am. But just because we have direction now, just because we're in a position of choice instead of chance...well, it doesn't make the pain go away.

It sneaks up on me sometimes. I go weeks, months feeling great. Honestly I haven't felt as good as I feel now since before we started trying to get pregnant. Immediately after deciding to adopt I felt like a 2 ton anchor had been lifted off my shoulders. But recently, some smaller weights have returned to my heart. It's heavy and I'm hoping it's just a phase.

I thought once we decided to adopt, once we knew our baby was within reach, certain things would stop bothering me. But they haven't and I've come face-to-face with several things that have challenged me in the last couple of weeks. I guess I have to admit it...I'm not ok. I can try and tell myself that I am, but I'm not. I hurt, I'm frustrated.

Over the weekend I saw a quote that sat on my heart. Ok, so I saw it in someone's bathroom but still...doesn't make it any less profound.

"Faith is not believing that God can. Faith is knowing that God will."

I like that because it's so true, at the same time I don't think I'm there. I believe God can do anything. But I don't really know it. Maybe we're all like that...we can talk the talk but KNOWING that God will is so hard. Believing you trust him and actually trusting him are so hard. I guess I'm just having a hard time trusting that God will make this happen. I don't feel like I deserve it, I don't feel like it's necessary, I don't feel like there's any real reason we should even be asking.

In my mind it's not fair. Why are so many babies born into situations where they're not wanted or provided for? Why is it so easy for people not even looking to have such a blessing like a child? Why can we not have this happen for us like so many others? What did we do to deserve this?

Wow. I hadn't really said all that. I can't really describe how painful it is to constantly be the only person in the room without children. To feel like you're lacking in some way, to come up with crazy scenarios of what people think about you.

I can't describe what it feels like to always be on guard. Everytime someone says "I need to talk to you" you prepare yourself for a pregnancy announcement. I can't describe how hard it is to paste a smile on your face so that people won't think you're obsessed with this thing they can't ever understand. What it's like to go to great lengths to avoid certain situations. The sting of off-the-cuff comments from others, never meaning to hurt you but still hurting.

I just want to know that it goes away. I want to know that I won't always feel like this. That the good times, the happy moments, the way I've been feeling for the last several months will stick around. Someone please tell me that it won't always be like this. That I won't always have moments where I want to stay curled up in my living room and not face anyone. That I can be happy for others, happy for myself, and have confidence in my future.

I thought it would stop, and I hate that it hasn't. And I hate that I have no control over when those emotions arise.

I know God can...I just need a little help knowing he will.