One year ago...

Last night a good friend e-mailed me after reading Maybe if You Just Relax. She'd been talking about her daughter turning 2 months old, and talked about how different things were just one year ago. My friend asked me if I remembered where I was one year ago..and hasn't God been good to me in one short year?

Well, one year ago I was in Hawaii. Boy, I really wish I was there right now instead of at my desk...I loved every single thing about Hawaii and wish I could have gone back before my dad's contract ended there and he moved back stateside.

However, being here in OK right now one year later is pretty friggin' awesome.

I do know that this time last year, I was in a MUCH better place than I was the year before. We had decided adoption was our calling, we were on the road. I was finally filled with HOPE instead of hormones. We'd walked out of that fertility specialist's office and never looked back. Not once.

I told my friend that if God wanted me to go back and relive every painful moment over the last 3+ years to get the same result I would do it without blinking. In a heartbeat. All of my friends that are still waiting: believe me, you would do it again. Once your baby is here...you'd do it all over again.

I was laying in bed last night, and John brought Colt in to lay with me as he was getting pretty sleepy. So we were curled up in my bed, watching "Friends" and he was talking away. I laid there with my head up against his head as he drifted to sleep, my arm over his belly and his fist clasped around my finger. His congested breath was warm on my face, and smelled like this intoxicating scent of milk and lavender. I just kept whispering "I love you" to him over and over and wishing there was some way I could put into words how I felt about him.

I remember thinking on my wedding day: saying "I love you" is not enough. Those words simply cannot convey my feelings, they can't describe how my heart bursts and fills my body up to the point that I just want to scream when I see the boys in my life.

"I love you" and "thank you" just seem like such a failure when I'm talking to God. How can I possibly describe the love I have for Him. Saying "thank you" cannot truly express the humility, the thankfulness, the awe in which I have for Him. The idea that he TRUSTS me, he has a PLAN for ME and for my boys, my family. I feel very small when I try to tell him these things...I know He knows my heart but I still wish I could SAY it. His grace, His mercy, His faithfulness...I hope they will follow me all the days of my life and I hope that I can live in a way that shows how much I want to honor His plan.

One year ago I was on the edge of everything changing. I'd been full of hope, but full of pain for so long and one year ago I was on my way to not feeling that way.

Today, I turn 28 years old. Everything I dreamed about has come true. I have wonderful parents who support me and love me. Grandparents who's marriage is a testament to lifelong love...and they have met my son, something I desperately wanted. I have a sister who is my friend. I have in-laws that I love being around. I have friends who would give the shirt off their back if I needed it. I have the house of my dreams (at this point anyway!). A job that I love. A husband who loves me through thick and thin. An amazing young woman a few hours west of me who shares my heart. And a little boy who makes everything complete.

Yeah, I'd say God has been good to me over the past year. Over the past 28 years.

I can't wait to see where I will be a year from now. Probably a lot more frazzled and tired with a 16-month-old running around, but probably still without adequate words to describe my joy.