Thoughts of N

Monday morning, before the boys woke up I was at the airport and off for my first overnight trip. I went to Dallas and honestly I didn't have much time to even be sad because the meetings, oh the meetings, went on and on and when I finally crashed in the hotel I was so tired I was practically delirious.

I left the meeting a little early so I didn't have to wait for the late flight. I got home to see Colt and he greeted me with a HUGE smile and his new favorite thing to do: talk. He is making so many sounds now, and it's constant. For a while now we could tell he was trying hard to be able to laugh and talk and literally overnight (while I was away) he learned to do it. This morning on the way to school he was laughing and talking happily to something and it was better than my favorite morning radio show!
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I have found myself thinking a lot about N lately. Last time our caseworker, T, talked to her she wasn't doing very well and asked T to only call her once a month. T represented a very painful time, and she wanted to be able to move on. She is hurting, I know. I wish there was more I could do.

I especially thought about her after reading Rebekah's post about birthmothers who have not been part of an open adoption and that really hate the whole idea. I actually discovered the blogs of many people who felt that way several months ago. I remember first reading their entries and feeling stung, defensive, and guilty. But then I have to remember that each blog is someone's story. That is their story and their life and they have every right to be angry for how their children became someone else's. I've been thinking a lot about them and praying for them and really praying that somehow I can bring good to this experience.

I know, I really do, that placing your child for adoption (or someone doing it for you) is painful and life-altering. I, too, suffered a great loss as well - infertility can't be discounted. It is a loss, and while I didn't physically give birth or have that experience, I felt robbed. But out of this loss came great hope. I know I'll never be able to make it better or easier for N, that she will always wonder "what if", she will always hurt in ways I'll never be able to imagine...all I can do is offer hope that she has not lost her child. That we will always be here, always be ready to share our experience. She gave us the greatest gift we could ever receive, she gave us her trust. She chose us because she believed in us. The thought of one day not honoring that, not being there when she's ready is foreign to me. I didn't always believe this way until I met her...I could never deny her the peace that comes with just knowing. Knowing he's ok, knowing that he knows her, knowing that we love her, knowing that HE loves her.

Thank God we live in today's world. Where adoption is celebrated. Where OPEN adoption is accepted and not scary. Where two people who desperately want a family can have their greatest desires fulfilled because of the generosity of another. I can't imagine how painful it would be to keep adoption a secret from Colt. For me, for him, for N.

I can't be angry at the way those women feel or the views they express. That is their experience. They sacrificed, whether by choice or not, and it should never be forgotten. I can only hope that one day there is peace or that one day they will read something or see something or experience someone else's story and know that it can be ok. I can only pray for peace for them and the children they lost. I know the pain they feel will probably be life-long and it's unrealistic to think that they will ever feel differently. But I can always hope.

Sorry so serious, it just really hit me. Being a parent is scary and new and different every day. Every day I feel unsure about my next steps, but every day I am filled with joy and love to see this growing boy wake up and start his day with us. I am so overcome with gratitude that God blessed us in this manner; that N trusts us in this manner. Sometimes, the joy is almost more than I can bear.