Stuck

I'm sort of stuck. I'm stuck with what to say, with the direction of this blog, the direction of my thoughts.

4 long years ago I started our family blog Anderson Happenings, which quickly turned into MY blog with John as a supporting player. It was mostly read by some family, a few friends, but never very many comments and that was fine. It was a nice outlet for me.

When we started TTC (trying to conceive), we didn't tell anyone for over a year, so I didn't spend much time talking about it on that blog. In fact, when I did finally open up about it, we were at the first of 2 RE's we would see and after several Clomid cycles which caused me to be slightly crazy. So this little blog of nothingness suddenly became very heavy and very personal and a little uncomfortable for those in my every day life (namely, men!).

I got the idea that I should start a specific blog for infertility struggles. There I could talk about periods and needles and ovulation and sperm counts and all the uncomfortable, slightly embarrassing things that a regular ol' blog shouldn't cover. I'd read tons of IF blogs, been so inspired by them I thought it would not only do ME some good, but maybe do some good for others.

What an awesome, amazing decision that was. I have met and been connected to tons of people I never would have come across otherwise. My prayer life has been strengthened because of all the blogfriends I pray for on a regular basis. When times were really dark, this community has lifted me up and provided encouragement and strength. Yes, I have a similar real-life community with my church and good friends...but few that understood the inner depths and turmoil that IF can bring.

And while I celebrated blogland's pregnancies and adoption placements, I'll be honest--I was so very jealous and hurt and scared that I would be the last IF blog left. It's almost embarrassing when I think about it because while the 3 years we were TTC seemed incredibly long and painful to me, it's NOTHING compared to what others have been through. Our adoption match was unusually quick. I am so, so thankful for that. But I think that time is still very real to me, I'm very aware of how much it hurts, I won't nor do I want to ever forget that pain.

So, I'm stuck. I want to continue to blog, but I can't do that without bringing up Colt. We still have many things left before we are an official "forever family". Court dates, post-placement visits, contact with N, and the struggle between being so proud of our story yet not wanting Colt to feel like a second choice to biological children all still weigh on my mind and I have yet to face. I still wonder about certain IF things:
- Crazy cycles
- Should I be using birth control?
- What if I got pregnant? Is it wrong to never want to be pregnant?
- What if I never, ever get pregnant? Will I really be ok?
- When will we be ready to adopt again? Can I really ask for anything more than this perfect, precious gift we've been given?
- Will we EVER pay off the IF treatments and adoption expenses we've racked up?!

But I know how painful it is to watch an IF blog transition into Mommy Blog. I don't want to disrespect anyone still waiting, I don't want to flaunt my good fortune, but I still want to inspire hope. That's the only thing that got me through all this...the hope you all provided. So...do I continue writing on here, or say so long for now and ask you guys to follow me on my everyday blog (which is SEVERELY lacking in material, since the few thoughts I actually write out end up here!)? Maybe pick this up if and when we decide to adopt again.

I don't know...I'm stuck.