A few hours

You know, some days are much better than others. Today is one of those days that is on the crappy side.

I don't feel like going into it all that much, but I'll suffice to say this month, for the first time in 4 months, I was 4 days late. Which, of course, led to a weakening of my hard-core heart and for a brief few hours I thought "maybe this is it". And of course even a few hours of hope like that causes visions of cribs and car seats to dance in my head. And surprise announcements, which I was convinced I had been cheated out of.

And so John and I, with nothing else to do on Friday, danced our way to the pharmacy to buy a test, said a prayer and then waited for 20 seconds (because a positive test shows up in about 20 seconds) and then promptly threw the stick away and went quietly to our corners.

Two days later and the screaming cramps I'm dealing with now confirm what the test told me.

It's a vicious cycle, even when you're pretty convinced throughout the entire month that THIS time there are no worries and you can just forget about it. It's those damn few hours that your mind wanders and your heart soars and your stomach flutters at the thought that really get you.

I can't help feeling like we've been cheated. Cheated out of so much that we're supposed to have. The most painful experience we've been cheated out of is the surprise announcement. When no one knows that you've even been trying and you get to giggle and glow through a family lunch and then, just before you think you'll burst with excitement you blurt out "we're going to have a baby!". Then everyone gasps and hugs and says congratulations. Yeah, we were flat out robbed of that.

We've been cheated out of making one of those announcements in our class at church. EVERYBODY else has had that. And I don't care if it sounds stupid or selfish, but I want to be able to announce it in class that we're having a baby.

We've been cheated out of a positive pregnancy test. Never once, not once, has that stick even had a hint of a positive sign. We've spent hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests over the last two years, never once has our investment paid off.

We've been cheated out of a normal pregnancy experience. The one where we think about having a baby and we don't have to chart and analyze and take temperatures. The one where we just think about it and it happens and we go to the doctor.

We've been cheated out of fun ultrasounds. Somehow, looking at follicles in your ovaries just doesn't have the same kind of reward as looking at a baby.

I've been cheated out of being normal. And I hate that. It's not fair, no matter how juvenille that is. It's just not. We've done all the right things: I finished college, got married, bought the perfect house, kept kids in mind when buying our cars. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do risky things. We work hard at jobs we love to provide a comfortable lifestyle for our family. I've sacraficed things in my job to make sure I can make more time for my family.

We stayed here in Oklahoma to be close to our families for when we have kids. We go to church, we believe in God, I know the Bible stories and kids songs. We help in Bible Hour, I go to baby shower after baby shower to support everyone else. We've done everything in our life with children in mind, so when is it our turn?

See what a few hours of hope can do to you? The wall you've spent two years building up comes crashing down and you have to start building it up all over again. So this month....here's to hope that stays hidden.