Changing the Plan

Brace yourself, it's going to be a long one. But it also changes the entire scope of our family and how we're moving forward. A lot of changes in this one....

I haven't been entirely open with you, my wonderful blogging friends, about the last month in our quest for a healthy pregnancy. After the utter devastation the second IUI brought, we had told everyone we were going to wait and give it a rest for a while.

Well, we didn't. We decided to move forward for the third IUI because that was part of our original plan: we would try it three times before moving on. We decided not to tell anyone because, really, the second IUI was that much more painful because we had to tell everyone that was hoping and praying for us that it didn't work. We decided this time, it would be just ours.

And, plus, you're the internet. I'm supposed to be a little bit cryptic.

Anyway, obviously it didn't work. So where does that leave us? Somewhere we never really imagined we would be.

John and I sat down with our doctor this morning to discuss next steps. We felt the IUI's weren't working, wanted to know if there was something else he would recommend. My official cause of infertility remains "unexplained" (truly, that's the diagnosis--unexplained infertility). However, there are several options to move forward.

1) To have a laparoscopy, an outpatient surgery to look for and clean up any scar tissue and endometriosis. Helps in about 25% of the women.
2) Try hormone injections for ovulation stimulation instead of the Femara and Clomid pills I'd taken in the past. We would then do another IUI, and our chances would be about 3-5% higher than the current route we're taking.
3) In-vitro fertilization

After much discussion, the doctor made his professional recommendation. He does not feel, from all the other tests and symptoms I have had, that a laparoscopy would help and it would put me out of work for several days and thousands of dollars in the hole and we could end up finding out nothing. The injections offer little more advantage than what we're currently doing, and would set us back a whopping $3,000 a month (compared to $50 a month for the pills).

His recommendation is to move straight to IVF.

You may recall from a very early entry on my other blog when we first announced we were having problems, I stated that John and I had set a plan in the very beginning about how far we were willing to go. And IVF is across the line for us. There are many reasons why, maybe one day I will share. But for us, IVF is just not an option. We didn't even go pick up the packet at the office to find out more, we just left.

So to recap: the doctor feels IVF is the next step, we don't want to do IVF, which leaves us pretty much out of options.

Barring a miracle (which I'm not ruling out, of course) I will not be pregnant. And that is the way I have to think. No more "maybe after the stress is gone" or "it could happen anytime, if there's no diagnosable problem" or "there are tons of stories about women who get pregnant later on". I cannot allow myself to think that way, and I ask that you guys not think that way either. The only way to move forward past this is to accept that I will not be pregnant. Ever.

And, please, do not tell me it will happen on God's time, or that he can do all things. I just can't bear to hear that, because God and I have this understanding that I won't question "his time" anymore if he can just help my heart to heal.

I don't even know how to feel about this. I am so, so, so, so tired. Physically and emotionally tired of dealing with this. I have always wanted children, and I've been desperate to have a baby for over 2 years now. Each month brings more anxiety, more pain, and less patience. And the worst part of it all is not knowing. So in a way I'm incredibly thankful to be able to close that door.

Of course, at the same time it's overwhelming and heartbreaking to think that I won't experience pregnancy. That I won't be able to pick out John's smile, my nose, John's eyes or my freckles on our child. And so many other things I can't even list without tears streaming down my face. But you know. You actually know far better than I do all I will be missing. A piece of me, a piece of John, a piece of our future, a piece of the legacy and imprint we will leave on this world is missing. And it absolutely shatters our soul.

There is a grieving process that John and I will likely go through. We actually started this process a while ago, thinking about options as it became more and more apparent we may never be able to bring a baby into the world. I don't know if we will EVER get over this, I don't. I feel like I have robbed John of all his possibilities, and believe me there have been tearful exchanges where I tell him I understand if he wants to leave me for a Duggar that can reproduce for him.

No worries, though. Amazingly, he's just not interested in anyone else, even with an active uterus.

But I tell you all this to let you know where we're at now. And how this website is going to change, how our life is going to change.
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Like I said, we've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Like where we would go next, how important children are to us. We both decided long ago that our life includes children. Our family is meant to be more than just the two of us. It is more than just a desire, it's a certainty.

Which brings us to where we are now. Several weeks ago when I was pretty sure this cycle wasn't going to result in a pregnancy, I took to the phones. I called a long-time friend of mine and spent a while on the phone with her, hearing about her experiences with in-vitro as well as their successful adoption. Her words provided so much comfort, eased my mind, and even helped me prepare my heart for a major step.

Adoption.

After speaking with her, I called the agency my friend had so highly recommended, and spoke with a case worker. We talked about rushing the pre-application and our references so we could attend a 2-day training session the following weekend. After much discussion we decided to wait and take our time. We are now in the process of completing our pre-application and contacting references willing to speak on our behalf.

I have absolutely no idea how this will go. I certainly don't have any idea where we're going to find the exorbitant amount of money this step will take. Fertility treatments have stripped our savings, so we will have to figure out where to get a loan. But we are absolutely certain that the money will work itself out.

I have no idea how long this will take. We'll learn more when we attend our training session in May. It's not going to happen overnight, and to even get on the list it takes months and months of paperwork, planning, interviews, and prayer.

I have no idea how everyone in our life will react. I hope and pray that everyone is supportive and believes this is the answer for us. We believe it, and know that we're ready. We are so ready to bring our baby home.

I have no idea how excruciating the process will be, I have no idea how much work it will be. I imagine we will get frustrated and fed up and I'm sure there will be bumps along the way. I can only pray they will be minor and conquerable.

What I do know is that our hearts are open, we are ready to be parents. And at the end of the day, having a baby is about being a parent, not about pregnancy.

Please, please pray for us as we continue to approach references. Pray that we will have the strength and patience to get through the process. Pray that our wait will be small. Pray we can find the money. We need prayers and support now just as much as we did during our treatment phase. This is a big decision, but we have no doubt it's the right one.

Here's to hope of building the family God has dreamed for us.