It's been quite a day, my nerves are shot, I may never eat again.
It began with an update from our caseworker. She had a meeting with N yesterday, and asked us to pray very hard for strength and peace. N is very emotional right now, and it seems that since she made her decision to choose us the reality of her situation has hit and it's becoming increasingly difficult for her to process. Each day closer to her due date signifies an end to her pregnancy and her time with her son...as you can imagine, it's incredibly painful.
This is normal! It's expected! It's good that she's starting to feel this so it doesn't all hit her in one moment after giving birth and her plans fall apart! That's what T (our caseworker) keeps telling us. But it doesn't keep my mind from wandering and racing with thoughts of the whole thing falling through. How did I let myself get so attached already? We told everybody, we have showers planned, we've registered and started putting together a nursery and I can't help thinking that was so presumptuous of us. It's everything I swore I wouldn't do.
N is always on my mind and in my heart and I'm surprised at how much I think about her. But I will say the call today was a slap in the face for reality about the situation we're in: nothing is guaranteed and prayers are needed.
I was able to finish up the day with a difficult conversation with my boss about how life will change and how my travel for work will change next year. I knew it was coming, I just didn't want to be the one to bring it up. Everything's fine and I knew it would be, but it's hard for me because I'm so proud of my career and the work that I do. I don't want to slack off or have anyone think I can't handle the responsibilities of work and home...it's just a struggle I'm going to have. It's going to be hard work to manage everything but well worth it.
Anyway, it wasn't a bad conversation, just leaves me feeling more helpless on a pretty dreary Oklahoma day. I've got to learn to balance my excitement to be a mom and my excitement to meet this little guy with the reality that we could be facing.
Needless to say, prayers are needed. I'm going home to lose myself in TV and sleep this day away.
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God Knows What He's Doing
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3
"Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is most faithful." Hebrews 10:23
"Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is most faithful." Hebrews 10:23
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6 comments:
Hugs Jess! You know I'm praying special prayers for you and John as well as N. God give them all peace.
I love the furniture you picked out in the last post.
I'll be keeping you, your husband and N all in my prayers throughout these next weeks. I can't even imagine how difficult this time is and how hard it must be to hold the excitement and questions in tension. I really, really hope this works out for you, and I think you're showing amazing integrity and compassion in the way you write about N.
Praying for you!
Keeping you in my prayers. But you're right, it's better that she's processing and not in denial.
I don't know what will be harder - waiting to be matched or waiting for placement after being matched. Sending thoughts of strength and peace to the birth family!
Jessica,
Sorry to play devil's advocate but, I will be the voice of reality! We had 2 matches that did not end in placements, one before each child. It's impossible not to prepare and get attached and your hopes up during the waiting time in the match. It's just all part of the risk taking with adoption. You have to pray, seeking and ready to accept, God's WILL, not your own! You have to pray trusting in His plan for your life and your child, and not your own plan.
We prepared nurseries and bought some things during each match however, I did not allow any showers to be given until we brought babies home. I just couldn't go there and couldn't have imagined how I would have felt had everyone done that for me and then, no baby. That was our personal choice to do it that way. You know what you can handle and what your friends are comfortable doing.
I am praying for peace in this time, for you and birthmom. I am praying that YOUR baby, in God's timing will be delivered to you. If this baby is him, Praise the Lord! I do pray that it is and that you know only joy at the end. Either way, know that it is painful. It's painful to lose an anticipated child and it's painful to receive him.....because you know and see that your joy comes at such a great cost for that mother! Adoption is such a double edged sword!!
Hold on to each other, to your faith, and trust, truly believing that it will happen....when and how it should!!
Blessings!
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