More Q&A

I know I've done a lot of generalities lately, so I've been getting a lot of questions. I thought this would be a good time to answer a few common questions and give a more tedious update.

Q: Why did the doctor set an induction date so early?
A: A couple of reasons - they think she's farther along than originally thought. N is also apparently small in frame, and the baby is growing at a great, healthy rate. Other theories I have is that the doctor wants to make sure he is there for the delivery (it will be close to the holiday), it also helps N plan and schedule her own life and school and work.

Q: What about the birthfather?
A: He's not in the picture at this time. He does know about the pregnancy, but has not shown interest. At this time they are unable to locate him to sign papers ahead of time. Obviously, this is a little nerve racking, but we have no reason to believe he will contest the adoption. So, we'll hope he can be located and signs papers before the baby's birth and if not, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Q: What is the process if he doesn't relinquish his rights before the birth?
A: Complicated! Try to stay with me. Birth fathers have the right to relinquish ahead of time (whereas the mothers are required by law to wait until after birth to sign papers). There are several different scenarios I won't go over. For our particular scenario it goes like this: our agency will continue to attempt contact to sign papers. Once the baby is born and N signs her papers, the agency will file a docket at the court. N then appears before a judge to finalize her end of the process. At that time, our agency will request to relinquish the birth father's rights by publication. After approval from the judge, they will place an ad in the local paper. It will say something like "if you believe you could be the father of this baby (a few details) please come to court on this day". The court date will be set 15 days from when the ad runs. If the birth father does not show up at court on that date his rights will be automatically terminated. It's a long process, we'll probably be on-edge for a month or so while this is going on. But again, nothing so far has indicated we'll have issues with him.

Q: How is N doing?
A: Thanks to those of you who have asked. She's doing well. Our caseworker T was with her on Tuesday and they called to update us on her last doctor appointment. I could hear her in the background and she sounds very sweet. School is going well, her grades are great, her friends and teachers are supportive. The baby is moving quite a bit, but he doesn't keep her up at night. She gets plenty of rest. She's excited about the 12/4 date...truly excited to know what to prepare for. She had a job interview yesterday and I'm just praying it went well! It would be a huge win for her. She is still emotional, but has not waivered in her decision. She likes us (little blush over here).

Q: Will you meet N before the delivery?
A: No, she's not comfortable with that. She's very nervous, which we totally understand. We don't want her to feel pressure, so the decision is totally up to her and we're happy with whatever she decides. We hope we'll get to meet her at some point, even if it's in the hospital. But, again, it's her decision and we know she'll make the best one for herself.

Q: How open will your adoption agreement be with her?
A: I don't want to discuss too much on this site for several reasons. I will say we indicated a certain level of openness we were comfortable with in our application. At this point, she's actually leaning toward less contact than that. BUT, she can change her mind (and very well may do that) between now and the birth. And we have indicated to the agency that we would be open to developing a relationship later if she gets to a place where she's more comfortable. We're not saying that we'll be sharing holidays or anything like that, but there is no scenario where we want to close her out. We hope that as our son grows older, she will be open to having contact so he can ask her questions one day. Read even one book on adoption and you'll realize how important that is for the child!!

Q: What about daycare?
A: Well, we have our name on the list several places. But we have one in particular we're pretty excited about. It's a small, simple church-run daycare (not our church, but close). The ladies in the infant room are very sweet and we even have family that works there! My stepdad's brother and sister-in-law work there so we know the baby will be looked after by many. They are so excited to have him there. Also, this daycare provides formula...big win for the pocketbook if the baby likes that brand! And finally, we've convinced several friends to join us...so we'll have lots of people we know dropping off and picking up with us.

Q: Have you decided on a pediatrician?
A: No, not yet. But no worries! I have lots of names I'm researching. Trying to decide mostly on location and reputation. Wow, people are passionate about their doctors. As they should be for sure! But it makes it hard for me to choose just one.

Q: Names?
A: Nope, no names yet. Please start giving John a hard time about this. I have come with several recommendations and get shot down every time. He has yet to suggest anything serious (noted I said serious) other than two names that I am not a huge fan of. So once he brings me more to consider we'll work on making a final list. But now we're in a holding pattern because I can't think of any more that I like. I have one I'm kind of stuck on...John doesn't hate it, so I guess it's a step in the right direction. But for those of you waiting on monogramming: John's the holdup.

Q: Does N have a name she likes?
A: Yes, she does. That is totally natural...as women we think about baby names from the time we're little girls. Imagine carrying a child inside you and NOT thinking about names. She is anxious to hear the name we like. But until then, she has a name that she really likes and is leaning toward. She will have the right to put whatever she wants on the birth certificate so that name may be the first he's given. But we could change it when we finalize 6 months later. It's a sweet name, so we're keeping it close until we have a better idea of what we want.

Q: Why did you decide to have baby showers ahead of his birth?
A: Well, this was a tough one for me. I wasn't left too much choice...my friends are persistent! But ultimately I decided that it would be good, it would feel like a celebration. If something does fall apart I'm going to be devastated for a lot bigger reasons than a bunch of unused onesies and a crib. We'll have to have that stuff eventually. Anyway, it was a touch decision but I have to say - I feel like this is it.

Ok...there are several more questions I could answer but it's gotten WAY long. Feel free to leave any in the comments area and I'll do another Q&A soon!