I've always been the kind of person (unfortunately) that cares about what others think. Over my adolescent years I probably placed WAY too much stock in this and ended up being painfully introverted outside of my established circle of friends. But one thing I took from that is being a great observer.
(Once I got to college, I actually really embraced diving in and making no apologies--and I had a great time in the process! I think it led me to my current career in public relations, though I often feel I've stepped back into a lot of introverted ways. For about 6 years of my life I would have described myself as outgoing...not so much anymore.)
Anyway, one of the things I do as an observer is note when someone is saying too much, being obsessive or annoying about one subject. And so I try not to focus on things too much. Even on this blog! Can you believe it? The whole purpose of this blog was to keep things updated and have a forum to just be ME...to be in charge of my own therapy and feel free to express the feelings I have about this process of creating a family.
But since we were on this list and there's no real news, I have been hesitant to blog. I don't want anyone to think I'm being all obsessive or annoying. "Geez, she's already said how sucky it is to be waiting, or how much she really wants a baby...do we have to keep listening to it?".
I've also been careful about sharing too many of my feelings because I know so many of my WONDERFUL, supportive friends read this to connect and understand me. And I'm afraid if I say on here how hard baby showers can be (not all the time, just randomly) or how much it kind of sucks to be the one left out of playgroup or how stupid I feel when I don't have anything to offer when talking about maternity clothes--I'm afraid that they'll think they have to walk on eggshells around me. Which is not the case AT ALL. I don't want to feel any more of an outsider than I already am...so I just don't mention it and I deal with it myself.
Is it ok to feel those things, but still desperately want to be included? How can I explain that I want things to be normal and I want to be a part of everything...but sometimes it just sucks, too?
I feel awkward talking too much in person about the process. The only reason for that I can think of is that it's because I don't feel like an expectant mom. I don't. I don't have a timeframe, I don't have physical changes. Others can't see me as an expectant mom...how cheesy to try and pretend it's the same? It's totally not the same and I don't expect people to treat it as such.
But I realized last night as I was at coffee with a great group of friends that I WANT to talk about it. I LOVE to talk about it. I love telling the same story over and over again. I love sharing details. I love being able to give theories as to why I think it will be a long wait for us. I like to talk about the interview process. I like sharing my true feelings about how excited I really am that our family will be created in this way. I love it! I may not always be comfortable with it, and I'd never bring it up on my own....but when someone asks, I love to tell.
Recently I've taken some particular situations pretty hard. Mostly things said in passing, not meant to hurt - well, they have hurt. That is MY problem, not anyone else's. And I'm trying to figure out why certain things have bothered me, and I think it's just because I still feel like an outsider. I feel separated by those who have experienced what I cannot.
The fact is, I am an expectant mom. I may not know when I'll be a mom...but I truly believe that one day I will. I don't think it means my wait or my plans are any less important than those who have a timeframe. I do think it means I should be able to get more excited. I'm just not sure how without opening myself up to getting hurt by stupid little things.
Sorry...this post was rambling! Probably because I haven't taken the time to blog on here as often as I should and evaluate all these emotions I'm keeping inside for consideration of what others are thinking.
I do want to say THANK YOU to my friends from last night (and really everyone) that continually pray for me and think of me. And for asking me every time you see me how things are going. For having specific questions and being genuinely interested. For pushing me to talk about it...I really do want to, but I don't want to bore you to tears! But please don't lost interest or be uncomfortable with anything...we adoptive moms need to talk about our wait just like pregnant women do. I'm realizing that more and more.
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8 comments:
Thanks for sharing all you do. I have found all you are going through to be very enlightening and has taught me so much. I am so encouraged by your strength and openess
This is beautifully written, and rally captures the wide range of emotions this journey encompasses. I too want to be careful of beating the same old drum with what I write, so I try to reserve blog posts for things that really touch me. Sometimes it's hard not to write the same things over and over again though, when that's exactly what my brain is doing with this wait time!
I so understand what you mean about your own sensitivities where all this is concerned, and wanting to be included but also feeling left out when you are included. It's an odd mix for us adoptive moms, but I think something we have all faced here and there.
Anyway...thanks for sharing, I'm so glad to have found your blog. One more story to share, and one more person to connect with on such a meaningful level...it's truly priceless to me. :)
Melba
Jessica, I too feel much like you do in your entry here. It's so hard because I want to talk about it constantly but some days I feel like no one wants to listen. Not because they don't care but because, like you said, there is no time frame. Even if there is, it's not for certain. I don't care if some prego woman here wants to say that she feels the same about time frames... she can say that all she wants but those who are in our situation know differently. Good or bad, it's just different. I'm not saying that they don't feel these feelings in their own way... but it's something that you cannot understand unless you're doing it, or have done it. I appreciate the honesty you write and you need to know, we other a-moms are feeling all these things too but sometimes, we're afraid to write them on our own blogs, or perhaps, just don't know how to say it. Thanks for sharing!!
You make a great point, it's like I've said what my emotions are about this. You know it that it's hard, and then I don't feel like I have anything else to say, even though that's still what I'm thinking about. I don't want this journey to take over everything else. Adopting is our pregnancy, our stretch marks, our labor, our pain is sill there.
Are you reading my diary? Hehe. I completely relate to your post. I love to talk about where we are most of the time (sometimes it exhausts me). Sometimes I feel like people are just humoring me. Sometimes I want to complain about my lack of direction in this whole thing, and sometimes I love my lack of direction. I'm all over the place depending on the day. Whew!
If you ever want to tell your story all over again, give me a call! We can meet up for coffee somewhere. Your strength through this process is very encouraging.
Hey there! I'm just now catching up on your blog. I just wanted to let you know that I always always want to know what's going on with you! Always! Don't ever feel like you're going on about it too much. I'm not saying that only b/c I want be someone who you feel like you can talk to but also b/c I'm seriously interested in every detail of what you are going through. I can't even explain to you how genuinely excited I am for you to get the call! Can't wait!
Prayed for you guys this morning. ;)
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