Biology

So, a couple of months ago I was directed to a blog called Heart Cries. I don't know Rebekah, don't even know anyone that knows her. But her story, her attitude, her situation sounded so much like ours I was drawn to her. Seriously, read her blog and pretend it's me talking because I feel the same way.

One post of hers in particular struck me. She talked about feeling like her body was made to be a mother, but not to give birth. I don't know how to describe the feeling I got when I read this post. I had tears in my eyes because FINALLY someone was able to describe this feeling I'd had for so long. I don't know how to describe it any better than she did, so you must read it.

It's easy to say that part of the grieving process of infertility means coming to some understanding, some acceptance that your body will not give birth. But it goes much deeper than that. I knew (honestly it was a deep instinct) that I would have fertility problems. I never had irregular periods, never had any major pain, no irregular pap smears, nothing to suggest the "system" wasn't working properly. But I knew...I just knew. And when you KNOW, you go about your life planning around it.

I do not have a desire to be pregnant. Now, understand this....it doesn't mean I don't desire to be a mother. I desperately want to be a mother, always have. But if I'm honest with myself about my feelings on infertility, my jealousy and impatience does not center around a baby in my belly. It is because I want to have a baby that I am green with envy and often in ice cream/Carrie Bradshaw comas. I do not look at pregnant women and think "I want to be pregnant". I look at pregnant women and think "I want to have a baby".

I'm not saying any of this right, and I'm not making any sense. Except to say that I really don't have to mourn pregnancy. I do not have that biological instinct. I am positive that is why the decision to adopt has brought me so much peace...it's what I was supposed to do all along. There were signs all along the way: knowing so many who have adopted and who are adopted so that it's never been a strange thing to me, some of the health issues I've had (hypochondriac over here), my discomfort with all things boobs and breastfeeding, etc.

Coming to the decision to stop seeing the doctors and pumping my body full of drugs and stressing for weeks and spending valuable college fund dollars on EPT's...the decision to stop all that was immediately satisfying and peaceful. And I haven't thought once that we should try anything else.

I wish I could explain this to a birthmother. If I were a birthmother considering adoption I'm sure I would be concerned about placing my baby with a couple that saw adoption as a "last resort" or "second choice". Now, I will say if you go through all this adoption stuff then you KNOW...it's another way to bring a baby into the world and it's NOT a second choice result. But I digress. Anyway, I wish I could convey to our baby's birthmother how adoption, for me, is THE choice. How I don't feel I'm missing out on anything by not carrying our baby myself. How God has placed this desire in me, how I chose adoption over biology. How do you explain it and be genuine? How can I convey that without sounding like I'm trying to be someone I'm not?

Anyway...thanks, Rebekah, for saying it so much more eloquently than I ever could. And for openly expressing it. My body was made for motherhood, just not for giving birth. And I'm more than ok with that! I am bringing life into the world because we'll be giving our baby a life. Our baby is still our baby. Nothing I could ever do on my own could bring me anything other than OUR baby. The family God has designed for us in the way and time he designed. I wouldn't have it any other way.
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I should mention that, obviously, this post was about ME and MY biology. But I would not be at this point if it was not for being married to the perfect man to make this decision WITH me. So every decision we made about fertility treatments and adoption were made together. I'm just grateful I found someone who can come to the same conclusion as me!

And the main thing I will miss is seeing our physical characteristics from our family in our child. But I have no doubt there will be many other ways to see myself and John as our child grows up!