Mother's Day

This day has been tough for me the past few years. Last year was downright miserable. Once again, it's another mix of debilitating guilt. Guilt that I shouldn't be so jealous of those that work so hard to be mothers. Guilt that I'm thinking of my own feelings instead of honoring my mother and mother-in-law for all their sacrifices and support.

This year I have tried hard to think of this day in a different way. I chose not to go to church this morning. It was a tough decision. Was it the right one? I don't know. But I knew I wanted to be in a good mood, a happy frame-of-mind for Mother's Day lunch and dinner with our families. And I was.

Last night we spent until late in the evening with good friends who are going through the same thing we are. It's wonderful to have people in your life that you can be 100% unapologetic for your feelings. It helped start the day on the right foot.

Not going to church to be with my mom was hard, but I woke up this morning in a great mood. John and I talked and laughed and spent a lazy morning together. Then headed to lunch with our families and not one time did I feel sorry for myself.

Maybe it's because I protected my heart from being faced head-on by the celebration of something I am not. Maybe it's because this time last year no one even knew we were trying to have a baby, let alone the pain the day caused and now people understand. Maybe it's because we have hope.

But today was a good day. And I've spent some time really being thankful for my mom. I celebrate all of you mothers out there, all of you who want to be mothers. I celebrate my mother-in-law for all the support she's given us, and for giving me my wonderful, thoughtful, amazing husband.

But most of all I celebrate my mom. I can't describe her, because words don't do her justice. But I can only hope that one day I will be like her. That I will give my all to others around me, that my children will come first. And, I'm sorry, Mom, that I've let this day be about me. That I haven't honored it for you. But I promise it will get better, and I'm thankful everyday to have you as my mom.

Happy Mother's Day!