Small Victories

Thanks for indulging me on that last post. I can't promise it's the last of it's kind.

Writing is my therapy, it seems. I'm a much better communicator via the written word than in any other format. Sunday, for some reason, I felt very overwhelmed. I felt overwhelmed with all that we've been through, all the work that lies ahead, the time and patience I continue to need, and most of all I felt overwhelmed with the idea of being a parent.

I have spent so much time researching and learning about pregnancy, ovulation, fertility, Clomid, IVF, IUIs, BBT and a hundred other acronyms. I'm now spending a lot of time researching agencies, home studies, profile books, waiting lists, adoption laws, bonding issues, and birthparents. What I haven't researched or learned or planned is what to do when it all happens. What a humbling experience, to prepare for something for so long and yet not know anything about it! Parenthood overwhelms me.

I guess I feel like, for so long, I've been an "expert" for many people on infertility and even now adoption. And yet, I'm not even a first-time parent yet. I don't know anything. And what I'm most unprepared for is how the idea of our hard work paying off, our dream coming true, makes me feel. I'm unprepared for the feelings I have of love and sacrifice. I've spent so long protecting my heart, the vulnerability it is now exposed to astounds me.

So...I may write more letters as these emotions begin to unfold. Sometimes it comes on like a panic, my chest pounds and my lungs tighten and my eyes well up. Other times it makes my heart race with excitement and I can't stop smiling. It all feels hopeful, conquerable, real. We are so close now I could touch it.
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Yesterday I heard from the agency. I had several questions about the seminar and timing. What I found was very encouraging.

They will send the home study packet out a week after the seminar. How fast it gets done depends on me and John. We'll gather references, answer questions, schedule interviews and a home study.

We will each do individual interviews at the agency. I think we're both a little nervous about that, to be honest. Then we will do a joint interview as part of our home study.

I've been really curious, almost frightened at what the home study will be. But I've been assured by many, many people that it's less about having a clean home and more about observing us together in our daily environment. There is more I'm learning about home studies...another post for another day. If you have any advice or experience please pass along!

After all that is done the agency will process our paperwork and activate our profile. Worst case scenario, it would take them 4 weeks to activate. They assure me this is unlikely. Usually a couple of weeks is what it takes.

I don't want to estimate, because I don't know. But we're hoping to end the summer with an active profile.
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One thing I really wanted to know is: what can we be doing right now? There has to be something between now and June I can work on besides finding money!

The adoption specialist we are currently working with (may not be our final specialist, but it is who we are working with now) is sending us the fingerprinting kit so we can go ahead and get that done. It takes 8 weeks to process so it would be wonderful to get it out of the way.

The other thing she's sending us are the guidelines for writing our birthparent letter and for creating our profile book! I think this is the perfect thing for us to be working on. It gives us time to put all our effort into it, do some RESEARCH and look at other people's books, gather pictures and stories, and pull it together. Then when the time comes we can focus on paperwork and know this book is already done.

So that is what we'll be doing the next few months! If you have a profile book you'd be willing to show me, let me know. I'd love to see what makes people stand out.
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That is the biggest update I've got for now. There is victory in the small things, and the best way to avoid discouragement and frustration is to find those victories every day. March is nearly halfway over...imagine how fast the next two months will fly!