So I mentioned that I had a few things I wanted to bring up here before moving over to my main blog, Anderson Happenings. (If you haven't bookmarked it yet, please do!)
And, sure enough, someone always beats me to the punch. Life in the Phisch Bowl talked about it today and others have covered it. I was out with my red-headed adoption club the other day (all three of us have red hair and all our kids are adopted...fun, fun) and I asked them about the following situation.
Believe it or not there are people I come across that don't know Colt is adopted. I know! Shocking! But not everyone in the world reads my blog. Anyway, especially at business dinners and trips I've taken people ask about the baby and I show them pictures. I often hear things like "oh, he didn't get your red hair" or "he's so big, does he take after your husband?" or "are you nursing?".
I always smile and answer politely...but I'm still at a point where I inevitably end up spilling my guts about the fact that we adopted him. I think it's because I'm incredibly proud of his story and I think we had such a great experience to counteract what most people hear in the media about adoption. But I'm starting to feel strange about it...I almost feel like it comes off as a qualifier. I feel GUILTY for not mentioning it.
When does that stop? How do I find the balance between sharing that detail about his life because I'm proud, and keeping it to myself because his birth story does not make him any less my son. As he gets older and understands our words, I don't want him ever feeling like he's less my child because he's adopted, but I want him to be proud of his story and his birthmom.
Blah...I know there's not a firm answer. I'll have to figure out my comfort level, figure out when it's appropriate and when it's not. It's just something I didn't think about before he was born, you know? Anyone have any insight?
***By the way, Colt rolled over, unassisted, today for the first time! Now he's ready to roll all the time...changing his diaper, in our laps, while getting dressed, in the swing...it's going to be crazy from here on!***
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9 comments:
I totally relate. I swear I blurt out "he's adopted" constantly...like I need to clear things up. I hate that I feel that way. When you find an answer, let me know. ;)
Jess, I find that I do the same with Hannah! I always tell DH to stop me but like you I can't help it. I'm also so proud of our story and our blessing...
But then I feel bad thinking that one day she might feel the need to tell everyone as well?
It's a tough one...
WTG Colt for the big roll! Yay
xxx
I know EXACTLY what you mean and have been struggling with the same thing. Our son has this big bright blue eyes while my husband and I both have brown. People want to know where he got those eyes from. I am an honest person, not brutally honest, but I like to answer questions honestly. I've also had lots of people ask how I lost weight so fast. I know as he gets older, I'll get this question less. I'm a horrible liar, I just need to find honest ways to answer without necessarily giving the whole story because every stranger doesn't need to know it!
I am also proud of our story and want our son to be also, so I guess I'll focus on what is best for him as I figure that out!
Good luck and happy mother's day!
I think most moms who have adopted go through this, perhaps even the ones that have open adoptions experience it more.
I think of myself as such an honest person that when I talk to someone about Shelby it just seems honest to say she is adopted. But at the same time I want to not have to explain it too.
I feel the same way. ESPECIALLY with the lack of baby weight question because R is so little.
I feel the need to tell everyone and then I feel guilty the few times that I don't - like I am hiding it or embarassed or something. I, like you, am very proud of how we became a family. At the same time, I don't want it to be this qualifier and I get sick of people asking so many questions!!!
Okay, I know I'm not an adopting-mom, so I hope my opinion still counts here. But I think it's great when you tell people. As someone who has watched you throughout this journey, it is one of the most heart-warming stories I know. There is just something really special in the way God gave you your son. You're absolutely no less of a mom!!! So shout it out loud and proud!
I guess I was just really fortunate. When Evie was born there was another family at the hospital waiting for their adopted baby boy to be born and this was to be their third adoption (and all 3 with our agency). They talked with us a bit and one thing the wife emphasized to me is exactly what you're talking about. She told me I would feel that way and encouraged me to not feel as though I had to explain myself to everyone. I heard her.
My first test was on day 4. We were at our hotel with Evie and a random woman came up and told me I looked great for having a newborn. I swallowed my explanation and just said "Thanks!"
Since then it's gotten easier and I don't feel weird about it anymore. It just takes time. I have a clear-cut rule now. Anyone who will be in our lives for more than one day deserves to know, but waitresses, cashiers, random passers-by, etc. don't need to know. It just doesn't matter to tell them, so I don't even think of it anymore when they say things like "she looks just like you!"
The exception is if someone flat out asks "did you have a C-section..." and then I just say "she's adopted" with a bright smile. No other words necessary.
If I were you I'd do the same with work colleagues. If they don't know, don't bother going into it unless they ask a question that requires you to tell in order to answer honestly.
Hope this helps a little? :)
I like what Karen had to say! That's a great rule of thumb that I go by as well.
Also, the correct 'wording' is important to me, and for my children to hear.
My children 'were' adopted; not 'are' adopted. Adoption is the means by which they became mine, it does not define their whole being.
My sister was adopted, and ever since I was a little girl, I remember this as a simple fact - not a big deal. Then one day, in high school, a school administrator mentioned how we looked a lot a like (we don't, but we both had long blonde hair). I said, "That's funny because she's adopted." The woman was embarrassed and apologized, acting like she'd unearthed some painful family secret.
It was then I discovered the adoption stigma.
I don't know how I would handle this with my own adopted child. I would probably nod and say, "no he doesn't have my hair," which would make me feel a little guilty. But explaining adoption to strangers is too complicated. It's not saying you're ashamed of the fact. I think you should be talking about it with family and friends, and Colt should feel comfortable talking about it freely. But in that kind of exchange with strangers, it's just more information that they're looking for, and more than you are required to give.
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