my other side

Why on Earth would anyone want to keep up with two blogs?

I don’t know if it will work. We’ll have to see. But I did something kind of stupid and kind of refreshing last summer: I opened up my struggle for my little blogging community. I revealed that no, in fact, I didn’t hate children. No, I wasn’t happy with being a workaholic nor did I want to live my life as just a career-person forever. Yes, I did intend to pass along my red hair and raise a child with my adoring husband.

It just wasn’t that easy to do.

What happened next has provided a mix of emotions. We’d been keeping this struggle mostly to ourselves for 18 months, and I was ready to talk about it. And very ready to have an answer to that oft-asked question: “when are you going to have kids”.

So the experience was comforting, refreshing, relieving…..yes. It was all those things. But I’ll be honest. I thought it would only take a few more months. Opening up meant many more prayers and positive thoughts, so surely it wouldn’t take long. We’d be pregnant in no time.

Obviously that hasn’t happened. And we’re now at the point that we’re not sure what to do next. Surprisingly, with the developments of the last two months, I find myself wanting to close off again. I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to think about it.

Yet I want so badly to write about everything that’s happening to us. Every procedure, every disappointing doctor’s visit, every increasing bill that arrives in the mail, every feeling, every emotion, every ounce of lost hope. I want people to understand that while I am tired of thinking about it, I cannot stop thinking about it. I want people to understand that infertility is all I think about. Every day, there’s not an hour that goes by my mind doesn’t wander.

At the same time…I am quite happy and content. I go through my days without the feeling of depression weighing on me. I don’t get lost in sadness. Other than the snarky sarcasm I have about everything related to infertility and this useless body of mine, you wouldn’t know this thing even affected me.

It’s weird to feel like that. It’s weird to be so completely obsessed with something and at the same time have no feeling toward it at all. I should be grateful that I’m not burdened with depression, that it’s not something that I’ve ever experienced in a life-altering way. But sometimes I want so much to just FEEL. To be sad. I’m supposed to be sad, right?

Anyway…back to why I started this blog. It’s an experiment. Anderson Happenings is the blog about my every day life, giving me something to look back on. It’s where I will be the everyday me. Where I can be funny and mundane. The one I can point people to for a glimpse into my life.

This blog will serve the other part of me. The struggle. When you go through something that is so hard and so…ongoing, you start to feel like talking about it makes others uncomfortable. I don’t want to make ANYONE uncomfortable.

So those that have a true interest in the infertility side of me can tune in here. Likely this blog will be uncomfortable at times. It might be clinical one day, cynical and sarcastic another, an experiment in utter self pity the next. But at least I won’t feel like I need to be anything other than an infertile here. And I don’t have to be defined as an infertile on the other blog.

Please know that anything said here is just one part of me. Another post for another day is everything I don't want people to think about me....but for now just know: I love babies. I love everything about them, why else would I hurt so much to not have one? Please don't think you have to walk on eggshells around me. This is a part of who I am at the moment, but it certainly doesn't represent me as a whole. I guess that's why I want two separate spaces to express myself.

In the meantime…here’s to hope. Hope of answered prayers and realized dreams. Thanks for joining me!